the end

If I could rewrite our story, I’d only change the end.
I’d trade in all our bad days for good and relive every moment I spent next to you smiling. I’d write out the first day I met you, just like it happened. And our first sleep over the exact same, still asking you to spoon me. And we talked about how we wanted our first kiss to be special, because that’s what it was. I wouldn’t change any night I went to bed beside you and woke up in the same spot. When I write down what’s happened I still remember how I felt every time your hands touched mine, or your lips crossed my path. I wouldn’t change the way I felt when your fingertips touched my skin.  I’d never change the nights I stayed up lying with my head on your chest talking about anything that crossed our minds. I would get excited every time you called, or every time I saw your name cross my phone still. I would want to relive every time you kissed me so I could relive every bit of excitement I felt. I would take me and you back to every night I lied next to you with my hand in yours, with your lips to mine. I’d re plan the future I made for us in my head, mapping every milestone I knew I’d spend with you.

~ And now I sit here, rewriting our end in my mind. Wishing it could be different, knowing I can’t change the heartbreak. I can’t take away the pain I feel every time I think of you, beginning or end. I can’t change what happened, or how it panned out, so I sit here wishing I could rewrite our ending, knowing I can’t. I sometimes wish for a different beginning so I could maybe get a different story end, but that doesn’t seem right. I would rewrite any moment that could give me back what I thought I could once have. But I can’t. I can’t take back what’s been said or done. I can’t take back any feeling or thought that gave us this ending. I can’t wish, as many times as I’ve already tried for things to have just gone a bit differently, and still left you next to me today. I can’t wish your hand back in mine with my head on your chest. Too much pain has been placed. I hold my hurt too close to let you back in. I’m scared that if I rewrite our ending I’ll rewrite the heartbreak. And if I rewrite the heartbreak I’ll relive the pain of not having you here. But without you here, I don’t relive what it feels like to be broken. And if I can avoid being broken, maybe I could let myself believe in something else. 

© nldm

left with loneliness

It’s like your lost in a familiar place.

You recognize the walls,
But everything feels so different. 

You’re used to everything around you

But you can’t help that you don’t feel the same.

Your holding on, not wanting to let go.

Left lost, without the one person you

thought would never lose you.

Reality sinks in with your hearts defeat.

You feel stripped that one person could

take so much from you and leave so little.

That one person could mean so much,

and now they’re supposed to mean so little.

Your almost embarrassed that without them,

you feel like your nothing.

You hide it, at least try to.

While holding back the emptiness

pretending hurt doesn't exist

You lay still, stripped numb.

You miss the warmth of good feeling,

The promises, the memories,

They all leave you cold now.

Loneliness keeps you company,

So you do anything to fight it.

Good company sets you free,

Helps your mind forget,

And warm bodies ease the pain,

Even though they aren't yours.

Loneliness makes the bad feel good,

Almost makes you wish you could have it all back,

It makes you realize what you had and lost,

It makes you weaker but stronger.

Warmer but colder.

It makes you ashamed but hopeful.

It makes you want to feel again,

but not feel what’s left 

when there’s nothings left.

© nldm