the end

If I could rewrite our story, I’d only change the end.
I’d trade in all our bad days for good and relive every moment I spent next to you smiling. I’d write out the first day I met you, just like it happened. And our first sleep over the exact same, still asking you to spoon me. And we talked about how we wanted our first kiss to be special, because that’s what it was. I wouldn’t change any night I went to bed beside you and woke up in the same spot. When I write down what’s happened I still remember how I felt every time your hands touched mine, or your lips crossed my path. I wouldn’t change the way I felt when your fingertips touched my skin.  I’d never change the nights I stayed up lying with my head on your chest talking about anything that crossed our minds. I would get excited every time you called, or every time I saw your name cross my phone still. I would want to relive every time you kissed me so I could relive every bit of excitement I felt. I would take me and you back to every night I lied next to you with my hand in yours, with your lips to mine. I’d re plan the future I made for us in my head, mapping every milestone I knew I’d spend with you.

~ And now I sit here, rewriting our end in my mind. Wishing it could be different, knowing I can’t change the heartbreak. I can’t take away the pain I feel every time I think of you, beginning or end. I can’t change what happened, or how it panned out, so I sit here wishing I could rewrite our ending, knowing I can’t. I sometimes wish for a different beginning so I could maybe get a different story end, but that doesn’t seem right. I would rewrite any moment that could give me back what I thought I could once have. But I can’t. I can’t take back what’s been said or done. I can’t take back any feeling or thought that gave us this ending. I can’t wish, as many times as I’ve already tried for things to have just gone a bit differently, and still left you next to me today. I can’t wish your hand back in mine with my head on your chest. Too much pain has been placed. I hold my hurt too close to let you back in. I’m scared that if I rewrite our ending I’ll rewrite the heartbreak. And if I rewrite the heartbreak I’ll relive the pain of not having you here. But without you here, I don’t relive what it feels like to be broken. And if I can avoid being broken, maybe I could let myself believe in something else. 

© nldm

left with loneliness

It’s like your lost in a familiar place.

You recognize the walls,
But everything feels so different. 

You’re used to everything around you

But you can’t help that you don’t feel the same.

Your holding on, not wanting to let go.

Left lost, without the one person you

thought would never lose you.

Reality sinks in with your hearts defeat.

You feel stripped that one person could

take so much from you and leave so little.

That one person could mean so much,

and now they’re supposed to mean so little.

Your almost embarrassed that without them,

you feel like your nothing.

You hide it, at least try to.

While holding back the emptiness

pretending hurt doesn't exist

You lay still, stripped numb.

You miss the warmth of good feeling,

The promises, the memories,

They all leave you cold now.

Loneliness keeps you company,

So you do anything to fight it.

Good company sets you free,

Helps your mind forget,

And warm bodies ease the pain,

Even though they aren't yours.

Loneliness makes the bad feel good,

Almost makes you wish you could have it all back,

It makes you realize what you had and lost,

It makes you weaker but stronger.

Warmer but colder.

It makes you ashamed but hopeful.

It makes you want to feel again,

but not feel what’s left 

when there’s nothings left.

© nldm 

in ball we defend

stepping on the field in our garnet & grey,
training for weeks for this very day,
game after game, we only get better,
for each drip of sweat is how we measure.
and practice after practice we train even harder, 
so together as a team we only go farther. 
we watch tape after tape, to study our rival,
then step on the field to fight for survival.
we line up for battle and fight for our war,
keep pushing through till we can’t anymore.
we aim to win and always stick together 
on and off the field, birds of the same feather. 
and everywhere we go, we strike fear where we stay,
with our gee gee pride, bleeding garnet & grey.
on the field and off, we’re there for our brothers,
unable to ever replace one another,
and just like champions we never give up,
we go to war fighting for the vanier cup.
we won’t move when pushed, we stay standing strong,
not letting anyone take what’s been ours so long,
we fight for every inch we take on that field,
for the more inches we take, victory revealed
and no one will tell us who & what we can be,
because we want this more then our enemy. 
we leave everything on the field and never surrender,
born soldiers we fight and only get better. 
no margin for error, in ball we defend,
with the heart of a lion we fight till the end.
© nldm 

with your arms around me

WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND ME 

written by Nicole Del Monte & Chris Labelle, 

recorded by Chris Labelle and Paul Gigliotti 

produced by Paul Gigliotti 

my heart & head

i just wanna close my eyes and fall asleep in your bed

wake up in the morning and pretend like nothing was said.

i just wanna go back to that place when we first met.

small talk, all night, there’s nothing about you i forget.

and i just wanna go back to that place when times were right,

let go of all the anger and pain we hold onto at night.

let go of the misery that lies next to me in bed,

i stay awake at night wishing it was you instead.

where do we go from here, when there’s nothing left.

and what do we do when we’ve given up on the best.

and how do i move on when im only numb inside,

what do you do when your heart and head can’t decide. 

times supposed to heal everything, but im waiting instead,

and while i wait for time, i play back everything you said.

every lie you told, and regret you made me feel,

from all of my days i watched you try to steal.

im wondering when my heart and head will agree,

when will they both understand your not right for me.

when will i stop wishing it was you lying here.

when will all of the pain you brought on disappear.

© nldm

caught in a storm

took me a while to put the pieces together

took me a while to figure you all out

to realize we werent meant for eachother

accept how hard it would be to live without.

now i’m trying to figure out when it all fell apart 

understand how it all went wrong

when did all the good days go so bad

why did we keep dragging our hearts along

we got caught in the rain of a crazy storm

and we cant find our way out

its been raining days too long by now

and theres nothing left for us to figure out.

so were drowning in the tears we’ve cried

from all of the hurt and all of the lies.

caught in the rain of this crazy storm

only hoping it wont leave us torn.

now goodbyes are never easy

but i didn’t think they’d be this tough

letting go doesnt make the hurt disappear

or my days a little less rough

i thought maybe this meant something

something more then whats been done

what we had seemed so special 

till we watched it all come undone.

we got caught in the rain of a crazy storm

and we cant find our way out

its been raining days too long by now

and theres nothing left for us to figure out.

so were drowning in the tears we’ve cried

from all of the hurt and all of the lies.

caught in the rain of this crazy storm

only hoping it wont leave us torn.

a mess of fire

look at what you did

this mess that you made

look at all the lies

you let yourself create

look at all the hurt 

you buried in my heart

the pain you made me suffer

right from the very start.

you poured gas 

on a burning fire

stood there starring 

as my flames grew higher

you would manipulate your way

right back into my world

without realizing that every

single lie would unfold.

you think your smarter then me

and maybe better too

but here is the difference

between me and you.

i will go somewhere someday

you can watch and see

ill become something better

then you could ever be

and i will pride myself on 

honesty and the truth.

pride myself on things 

you never tried to use.

then you will be left standing

in a burning fire yourself

ill pour gas on all your flames

and never try to help.

© nldm

an old box

im standing in front of a box of old photographs.

reminiscing in what my past once was.

realizing what your present no longer is.

and left wondering what my future holds.

i once held the hands of people i thought i would know forever.

now grazing their pictures no longer knowing them at all.

i once held the hearts of people i thought i would know forever.

starring at our pictures together not knowing them at all.

the world seemed bigger back then,

when my hands were smaller,

my smiles wider, and my heart bigger.

each picture brings me back to a different feeling.

a different memory.

a different person that helped grace my life, even if briefly.  

this box of photographs gives me the chance to remember the little things i seem to forget so easily, like who i was then, and how its made me who i am today.

this box gives me the chance to remember the people who changed my perspectives, and gave me the opportunity to learn something about myself. 

i left apart of myself in every picture.

every memory.

every person i met along my path.

what was once this old box holds the stories of my life.

a collection of the people who helped me find myself.

were all left with our own box of old pictures.

our own past of people who helped us and carried us through what felt like hard times. we all have hearts and hands we once held and no longer hold anymore.

we all have our past, and though it may seem easy to hide away in a box it should never escape us completely. it made us who we are and we should never be so willing to let who we are go. 

© nldm 

a mess of a mind

does your mind ever wander?

lead you places it shouldn’t?

down dark halls you wish it wouldn’t.

does it leave you lost?

feeling dark and empty.

does it keep you up at night

and have no pity?

no mercy at all,

for what it makes you feel.

leads you places 

you only wished were real.

and does it fight with you

for your sanity’s sake

force your eyes open

while you lie awake

while it twists what you feel

and twists what you think

while you try to sleep,

but your problems won’t shrink.

and the longer you lie there

the longer your lost

the longer it controls you

at every single cost.

so when will you run 

from all the halls it makes

run from the fear

and darkness it creates.

when can you shut off

turn down what it says

shut the doors of your mind

hide away the mess. 

© nldm 

lost in wonderland

spinning 

round and round

losing control

running into walls

unsure of where to go

and all these walls have mirrors

i’m haunted by my ghosts

i’m running into walls

i’m not sure where to go

i’m falling down a tunnel

that spirals till the end

it spins me round and round

while i hold onto my head

im down that rabbit hole

where alice once went

this strange foreign land

where all my times now spent

and now i’m left lost

in my little wonderland

searching for a way out,

but first i’ll need a plan

and all these mirrors haunt me

like the queen who haunted her,

trying to find my way around

but its all just one big blurr,

and there’s a talking cat

that always comes and goes,

reminding me just how far

i am away from home

but i’m not Alice you see,

so why am i so lost,

i’m becoming all these sizes 

at the expense of someone else

now i’ve cried a pool of tears,

maybe to swim my way on out,

maybe she isn’t the only one lost

left wandering without a doubt,

maybe we all have our own wonderland,

a bit of alice left in us,

maybe were all like wild flowers,

settling amongst the dust. 

© nldm 

from the moon and the stars

night 

we meet again

where in your darkness i find my comfort

while i stare amongst your stars

submerged in your blanket of blue and black

where you make life seem less hard

your moon is where i find my light

my faith stays in your changing shapes

i look forward to each different night

i stare at all the beauty you make

where i watch you ignite my world

color it bright in a dusk of dark

where you set fire to my soul

from the moon and the stars. 

© nldm

rooted in me

you rooted yourself in me
deeper then you know
and your branches surround me
everywhere I go.

planted in my heart
weeded thru my soul
making it so hard
to ever let you go.

where you planted your love
flowers grew
all along the branches
from me to you.

where I pluck the leaves
you left for me
planted in my bones
they set me free.

under all your branches
I find my shade
protecting me from the sun
and all the worlds pain

when your leaves fall
so do mine
shedding your skin
leaving everything behind

carried by the wind
your leaves take flight
holding onto your branches
with all my might

thru changing colors
and seasons too
from dead leaves
flowers grow few

holding out for life
waiting for the rain
wrapping your roots tighter
all along my veins

so now I rooted myself
deep inside your heart
where I felt my branches grow
right from the very start

inside of our bodies
our branches intertwine
our leaves fall together
for every branch, every vine. 

© NLDM

UPDATE

So it is clearly evident i have been MIA lately. Life has gotten in the way of me & my dear blog. To be honest life has gotten in the way of me and everything as of lately. I blame my lack of inspiration/ my lack of updating/ my lack of everything I haven't done lately on MY LACK OF air conditioning (if i could sleep in my car every night i would.) Today I decided to clean my apartment which was disgusting long overdue. No one unless your crazy wants to clean/ do laundry in this blistering heat. So today, in hopes to be a productive, mature 22 year old i decided to do both. While doing the unfortunate chore we all must do (unless you have someone who does it for you willingly, or you can afford to pay someone to do it for you, this doesn't apply ... but fuck you.) Yes, anyways. While i was doing my stupid, monster pile of laundry i came up with a list of laundry etiquette. Yes, you read right. Laundry etiquette. And this applies to everyone who has to share laundry.
1) time how long it will take your laundry and when its done TAKE IT OUT
2) don't leave your laundry in the washer longer then it has to be
3) don't steal my hamper, or anyones for that matter
4) don't steal someone's tide .... especially mine ...
5) don't flood the laundry room & if you accidently do clean it up you idiot 
OR at least notify the poor soul who will clean it for you
 6) take your clothes out of the dryer as soon as its done.
I'm not sure why many of you are under the impression that i want to see, touch or imagine you in your underwear ... but i don't. So just do us all the favor and time when it will be done so none of us have to sadly touch your nasty pile of clothes (even if you just cleaned it.) HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR CARTOON UNDERWEAR ?? NOT COOL .
** I am aware that some of my rules overlap but that is because I cannot stress them enough, so please follow them for all the unlucky people out there who have to share laundry and possibly touch your cartoon underwear to clean their own.

Aside from a laundry rant, i recently started a tumblr account which is updated a bit more often then my blog, only because i can update things by clicking rather then racking my brain for rhymes.
you can view it here.

Well on a parting note, i am off to finish cleaning my apartment/ watch toddlers and tiaras and question the mothers who are stupid enough to put their ugly children in these competitions. (why are you spray tanning your four year old and why are you under the impression that your daughter will become miss america????????) NO six year old girl, you are not a winner GO PLAY WITH DOLLS & STOP DRESSING LIKE ONE ... #dumbkid #crazyfuckingmoms
much love <3 nldm

six billion

There are over 6 billion people in this world. 6 billion souls. 6 billion lost. 6 billion people asking questions and searching for answers. 6 billion people on this planet looking to please themselves or somebody. With that many people you can assure yourself that some have it worse and some better.  With 6 billion people you can be reminded that your not alone. Your not left on your own searching. It may be a lonely road sometimes but all 6 billion will walk it some day. 6 billion people and were all still searching.

© nldm

stinken girls

there are many things wrong with the world.

many, many things.

poverty, world hunger, racism, global warming, pollution...

the list goes on.

one problem which we will all encounter is GIRLS.

sadly i am speaking from experience. 

before i wash pushed out of my mother’s birth canal i was said to be a boy.

yes thats right folks, my name would have been Michael James, and I would have carried on the XY chromosomes proudly. Instead, I came out with a serious missing limb (did the doctor mistake my finger for a penis??) Anyways, I came out with a ... no penis... thus I’m female... clearly... if you don’t believe me I’ll show you. 

So I can speak from experience when I say that everything (well maybe not everything) but ALOT of what is wrong with the world is GIRLS.

we talk too much.

we talk about people too much.

we are too emotional.

we think everyones out to get us.

we play this stupid game with other girls where we talk about them and then pretend we are best friends. 

“she’s such a fat bitch”, “OMG she’s the worst dresser ever”, “she looks like a tranny whore”, yada yada yada, the list goes on. Its girl syndrome. 

It took one too many talks,

one too many bad things to say,

one too many catty sleep overs for me to realize how seriously deranged us girls are.

so i’ll give it up. I’m sure i’ll still have my moments, but i’ll seriously try to remove myself from all the bullshit the xx chromosome has to offer. so girls, the next time you decide to bitch about world hunger, global warming, or the effects of the meat industry on our planet i suggest you shut up and first figure out why your going to lunch with the girl you spent the whole night before bitching about. 

© NLDM

nobody elses

here's the truth.
what you do is up to you.
nobody else.
who you see,
what you feel,
who your with...
its all you & no one else.
it's your life, so its your business,
nobody else's.
you don't owe explanations,
justifications, or meaning,
to anyone, BUT yourself.
sure, advice, and renditions are great,
but at the end of the day,
its your business,
and to those who think its theirs...
its because they have no business of their own.
so forget the should haves,
would haves, could haves.
forget asking people about your plans.
forget everyone else,
and do what your heart tells you,
your brain can't.
cause at the end of the day,
its nobody's business but your own.
© NLDM

hollow man

hey hollow man

where did you leave your heart

hey hollow man 

its your lies that tore us apart

you left your soul worlds away

with all of your history and foul play 

and if only you weren’t all tin inside

if only you were able to swallow your pride

hollow man if you could understand my pain

be able to overcome all of your shame

if you felt with your heart instead of your brain

we wouldn’t be left with a burnt out flame

hey hollow man when did you lose your way

let go of everything you offered - all your beauty

when did you become so numb and cold

if only you knew what you had was gold

the sad thing is i miss you though your empty

even though all my pain still feels so heavy

and even though your lost i wish you were here

any where closer, anywhere near


hollow man I hope you find what you lost
no matter how long, my fingers are crossed

© nldm

drowning

and I’m deep,

deeper then the oceans,

deeper then the seas,

I’m twisted and scared, 

but this is me.

i write my own rules,

play by my own song,

I’m as deep as an ocean,

and I’m drowning in my wrongs.

I’ve broken what I’ve touched,

and touched what I’ve broken,

my cuts still haven’t healed,

from harsh words spoken.

look into my oceans,

you will see,

the pain in these eyes,

it constantly follows me.

I’m deeper then oceans,

deeper then seas,

I’m constantly worried,

but this is me.

I’m drowning here,

I’m no longer afloat,

I’m drowning in my thoughts,

and this terrifies me. 

I’m sinking in myself,

steeper and steeper,

I’m gasping for air,

but i’ve only sunk deeper. 

I’ve finally hit the bottom,

I’m sinking in my sand,

struggling to get out,

reaching for a hand.

there’s no body there,

I’m reaching for anyone,

I’m filled with emptiness now,

I’d do anything to be found. 

© NLDM

letting them in

they enter at night

come in through my dreams

they invite themselves in 

like they were welcome it seems

as if i invited them myself,

my vulnerability let them in

they refuse to leave,

they linger with haunting

they sit and they watch my every move,

their eyes piercing thru my every sin,

they sit and they stare and capture my dreams,

they’re bringing me down, determined to win.

its like they know exactly where insecurity lies,

they catch me at my weakest point,

whenever I’m drowning in my cries.

they stay like bruising pains lingering through my joints. 

the uninvited are here to stay,

regardless of any of my dismay,

their silhouette so cold it seems,

with their ability to haunt me in my dreams,

the uninvited they lay next to me in bed,

they aren’t going anywhere, 

because they live inside my head. 

© nldm